hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
