Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
