every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize