How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
