The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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