I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
