My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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