I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
