I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
