I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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