so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize