I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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