You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I want her autograph on my taint
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize