"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
