and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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