Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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