Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
