he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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