Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
