i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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