nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
