Whod you bang
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
we're so committed to being not committed
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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