I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
