Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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