At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
