For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
