the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
