You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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