i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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