Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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