i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
