Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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