Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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