I hate all girls vehemently.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she looked like the before picture.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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