I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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