not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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