Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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