Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
