Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
