I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
