when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
