I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
