1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
