At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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