As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
