We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize