a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
