Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
