you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
