it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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