i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
