I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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