he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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