Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
