I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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